I can’t blame time. Not anymore I can’t. I can’t blame distance either; for distance had no saying in the decisions I had chosen to partake or the journey I had embarked. Nope. It was me. It was all me, no offender to put on the stand. I chose this and now this has become my life.
I can’t really afford to be cynical right now; I didn’t even realize till now that cynicism is a luxury in life.
Life often pitches us a curveball. To get hit on the face or bat the ball to home run is up to you. So I have chosen this way that I am living right now, but life is not the only one who is responsible for that…….or is it? Maybe I am not that broke yet….I think I can afford to be a cynic now and then, especially about life.
Do I believe everything that I am writing? Am I just rambling on..? A note to self.
You know I still whisper ‘good night’ twice before sleep wins me over and I close my eyes for the night. Twice. One for each of them- the two girls I love more than life.
But do I really love them more than life? I often question myself and shrink with embarrassment at how brazen I have become. Can I truly love someone more than life? I ask you to ask this very question and face the ugly truth we often sugarcoat with cliches and habitual banalities that bury our ugly sides.
Is selfishness an ugly side? A year ago, I would have answered you a flat ‘no’ and pity the act or anyone who thinks human beings are good by nature. That was when I was a cynic and blamed everything on life itself. When I painted myself holier-than-thou and blamed the nature of human beings in general, but never point the hand particularly at myself. When I thought I could afford cynicism and get away with that.
Now this bird is singing another tune, now, I know why the caged bird sings, sing that sad melody that vibrates the strings of the heart- maybe it was a dove in its nest but has become just a bird in another big cage? Maybe…..just maybe. Selfishness no more is an ugly side but a basic trait in the survival battle-survival of the most selfish- I might add. Ask me a couple of months later, I might have a different take on this subject. One can only hope.
What concerns me most in my life is my life. Here! I am coming out of the closet and singing out loud my vanity and embracing the reality of life.
“I always see you by yourself. I think you are new in town…?” said this guy I happen to meet more than once on this beautiful cafe I frequent, his open-ended question needed a confirmation of some sort to his haunch…because he was looking at me with a tilted head to one side, trying to read more from my reaction to his random question.
I nodded. Yeah I am new. This is the new me. After all I am new….with new life, new name, number and principles in this life. If only the guy knew me few months ago…., when I was busy roaming the streets of Asmara with my cronies in tow. When everybody else wondered and asked, “ You three are always together everywhere, I have never seen you apart.” He didn’t know that person has become this person at last. However, the word “Always” got stuck in my mind….Can few times be always? I am I going to be the girl who is always by herself in this new life? Then what happens to my ‘always’ that were my always in the past? Eternity? Eternity, by deduction I assumed.
“ Back home, I was never alone but always between a sunshine and a rainbow.” I answered him, still a pang of guilty elbowing me at my side. “Good Luck explaining how anyone would choose to be separated from a sunshine and a rainbow…” my conscience was smirking.
“Oh!” A short message of realization and sympathy.
“I am sorry.”
“What happened?” He approached my table with his cup of coffee in his hand.
“Life happened.” Here we go again blaming life for all the selfishness and personal desires that drives us apart. Maybe, I am still a cynic at heart. “I decided to grow up.” I could hear my conscience chuckling first then bursting out in a hoot of laughter that left me confused whether the sound inside my head is audible enough to the outside world and around.
Life did nothing, growing up has no hand in this. I decided to be true to myself and accept my vanity and all these unnamed traits we only speak of in the dark. I am not going to blame the human nature, I am going to blame just mine. Life was just a litmus paper that indicated my true nature.
Life cornered me, I showed my true colors to survive. The realization of my vanity hurts beyond the ability of any words to describe. The loneliness I have chosen is a thorn in my heart. But life didn’t do this, I made the choices to live this life. But more than the thorn……..I feel like I have left a portion of my heart behind and another portion when I sold my soul. Now I only have a fraction of a heart. When I close my eyes every night and whisper my goodnights to these two who have dotted and been part of my life for what seems like eternity, it hurts, it hurts right just behind my left breastbone. A shooting pain that leaves me breathless and drenches me in a pool of tears every night.
Am I even allowed to cry? Is this the price I have to pay for shamelessly announcing my ‘coming of the age to the real world’? Let the tears cleanse me of my vanity like a priest purges impurity with a hyssop….????
But in the real world I have just stumbled to, selfishness is not an impurity but a survival instinct…..some of them even say it is an innate weapon against the daunting battles life throws us in.
I am not apologizing. I am just rambling on….
Pic: By: Matteo.Mazzoni www.towardeurope.org