I hate it when the sun plays hide and seek with the clouds in the sky. Not only is my attention divided between the heavenly bodies’ games and my earthly duties, but also my mood seems to swing from the opposite polars of a spectrum, as if a naughty child is playing with the switches of my moods.
It is in times just like today I miss him the most. Maybe because he knows me better than I wanted to believe, but he is always on the right time to do the right thing. If, the little weird me is being brisk under the influence of the weather just like today’s, he would call and would know what and how to say it to change my mood and heal me of the violent swings of the moods.
I wanted to rush home. Few minutes later, I changed my mind. I decided to dine out today. You know me, how I love to play diva and cruise extravaganza. I had no particular place in my mind, but I knew I would come across a place I would love when I see one and that I would be dinning there, somewhere along the Madison Avenue. Madison Avenue always presents me with cozy restaurants and cafes that makes me feel like a low-badget movie actress starring in one of those obtrusive, strange, storylines with Hermeneutic circle interpretations. Not that I am an esoteric of such contents, I am just saying.
Here it is. The restaurant I envisioned before I started my little adventure, it is almost identical to the picture I had in my mind. Wait a minute, maybe I have seen this place before…..Premonition or Deja vu- I am dining here. The maitre’d flashes me his megawatts smile. Cute. I follow him to the table by the window that looks out to the busiest streets of New York. I noticed with disgust that everyone around me is on a date. Those annoying blossoming kind of dates where the couple couldn’t help touching each other’s hand, caressing and sneaking meaningful and sinful glances. Giggles and whispers of sweet nothings from those couples accompany the crooning Frank Sinatra…….damn, is this some kind of play orchestrated by the stupid Cupid? So much for my low-budget foreign movie…..this place looks like a musical show from the Broadway. Maybe a little too much of a Disney for my taste. Only in cartoon world could this beauty and serenity coexist. The candles, the music, the crowd, the decor of the cozy restaurant, the chandeliers, the magical touch of the love in the air….the whole environment is surreal. It was magical. But I knew it is too good to be true, all the while I couldn’t take my eyes off of all it. I knew, if indeed Cupid is the director of this nameless movie I stumbled upon, he sure has given me the role of a witch with the dark hoarse laugh, a cynic that contradicts the rules of a cartoon life. Through some mystical coincidence, I had wore head to toe in black, matching my mood in that instant and dressing me up for the role of the villain I have become in this restaurant. I was about to beckon the waiter when I heard the couple near me make an attempt in what they must have thought romance and romancing in the fast-pacing world of ours. “ Don’t close your eyes….don’t. Even to blink, don’t take your time opening them, your eyes…” A very bad poet, I would say but she giggled and squeezed his hands as she say, ‘I won’t.’ ‘I won’t’ she repeated the last one with strength and conviction, as if she is ordering her eyes to stop blinking altogether. Will he still love her if she ever go blind because of this complication to her eyes, because of this ludicrous statements of love? I wondered. Of course he won’t. I can tell he is as much of a bad player as he is a bad poet. A fraud. Good thing the girl can’t tell the difference of either that.
I decided I can’t be around this much ‘romance’ and ‘Disney-ism’ for tonight. Not when I am missing him terribly and fighting with myself not to call him back. I opened my VM and listened for the umpteenth time to the recorded messages he left me last week. I can tell he misses me. He calls me by my full name when he misses me and my name sounds beautiful, purposeful and powerful when it comes out of his mouth. I pictured him looking at my photos from his wallet compartments- who keeps pictures in their wallet in the techno savvy era of the 21st century anyway?I made tons of jokes to that reference, he smiled sheepishly. I swear we are totally wrong to each other and have more differences than commonalities but somehow he gets me and I am the only one who gets him to the point it scares both of us. I become the best of me in meeting his baddest display of character and vice versa. Two odd opposites that attract and create a big bang. We are the right kind of wrong for each other if this makes sense at all. “Can I please have my orders to go?” there was urgency in my voice laced with politeness. I sometimes forget to say the magical words when I am really hungry, perched, tired, annoyed…the list goes on. The waiter seemed to be more than pleased about my decision to leave the restaurant, I didn’t like how he nodded his head enthusiastically and hurried the whole process of the billing drama. Now I am regretting my decision of the takeaway, I wanted to sit back and dine alone just to piss off that overly hyper waiter who almost added a skip to his steps just to see me off. What on earth is his problem? Maybe beautiful single ladies like me intimidate him.
Anyway, I started my journey towards my place. I wanted to throw my shoes, change my PJ, warm my food and jump in my bed………maybe watch some horror movies or fast action flicks…..I remember, I had a friend of mine record the latest soccer match of my favorite team…..maybe I will watch that. One thing is for sure, I will not watch any romance flicks …..had too much of it for one day in that Cupid-run place. I was contemplating the plans for the rest of my evening when I took the corner and stopped in front of this familiar door. Oh, my….what have I done? Nope, let me paraphrase the question…..where have my legs taken me while I was planning out my evening? To the opposite direction to my place. Didn’t I say I was going home and watch the recap of the game in the comfort of my bed? Then why am I standing in front of his door? Is this a case of Depersonalization disorder?
Now, I am staring blankly at the door. To knock or not to knock….that is the question. I have been avoiding him for the past month and I have progressed well in taming my heart when it comes to him and the effect of the sound of my name in his mouth, should I wave the white flag first and be the bigger person in this thing we got going on or turn on my heels and anticipate his surrender to my pulls of love? Either way, he knows a girl shouldn’t make the first move in such matters, that’s how we have been raised and cultured……and…..and..if he can’t read my true feelings from the way I am around him….and…and….. Moreover, I hate losing in such things.
So I turned around and raised my hands high to hail the passing yellow cab……
to be continued……
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