By Bethelhem Teame
“Darling.” I could tell from his voice he was lifting something heavy. “Are we still on for the weekend?” I could picture him tilting his head to one side while he cradle the phone between his ear and his shoulder, both hands occupied, lifting something up. I smiled. I smiled at the picture in my head. I smiled at how I know him so well. I smiled at our foolishness, his and mine alike; when they diverge together and make up a big foolishness of its kind. A perfect foolishness, pure and untainted by consciousness.
“I am calling you about that boo, can you pick me up from the station if I reach Newark at 9pm?” I was trying to be at my best behavior, using my most sweet voice ever, to win favors in his eyes. I really didn’t want to take the bus or a taxi from the station so I am using my womanly tricks on him once again.
“Sure babe. Can’t wait to see you.” He is breathing heavy from all the weight he must be carrying, I assumed. He whispered, “I miss you.” and then with a normal pitch, “Call me when you get to New Jersey and I will be there. I got to go now. Kisses.” He started shouting at someone else to be careful with the box and hanged up.
I was still smiling. Smiling at how easy this has been, at how we have managed the distance between us and defied the concept of time to stay together, despite what is said by others around us. Smiling at how we understand each other and are always there for one another. Smiling at how his simple “ I miss you” sent down unfathomably sweet feelings down my back and raised butterflies in my tummy right now. Smiling at how conceited I have become and how brazen I am. I am smiling bitterly at my foolish attempt to ignore the fact that this is over and that I am muffling the voice inside. I am smiling crookedly at how he knew what I knew deep down but nevertheless is dragging it along for a while. I am smiling at how twisted we both are for trying to hold on to something that has been already done, dead, kaput….for a while now.
It has been few weeks now, since the premonitions started to appear to me in the middle of the day and sometimes in the night. I was super busy or pretending to be busy to really sit down and go over the sinking feeling that I am experiencing deep down. What I hate the most is when I lie to myself and ignore the voice inside with loud music, continuous flirting, topics of love,passion and desire and the business of life. Lately, I have started even to mimic the actresses I see on the cinema by singing out loud in the shower while the water is running wild. Anything to silence the voice inside, to avoid the confrontation with myself and bare my soul. Anything. As long as I don’t have to face the truth that my soul knows deep down.
It’s over. I know it very well. My body and mind, however, are in denial. Deep down, there is this disturbing sense that is telling me it is over and there is no going back, unless the world has coined a way to amass back the spilled milk without soiling or reducing it’s original state in the cup. That feeling that notifies you of the alarm sign, before the line on the other end of the phone is dead, before the last kiss is shared, before the door is closed behind and farewell is said, that stomach lurching feeling that shoots in your body and is felt from head to toe, while it spread to your whole system. I felt that feeling and I hid the pain with a coverup smile.
He knows it too but is dragging it along for reasons I don’t know why. Is he, too, singing out loud in the shower to avoid what I am avoiding now? Maybe this is why he is throwing himself at work and denying the truth that is being revealed from his inside.
I picked up the phone to book my ticket for the trip, “ Hello, can I buy a round ticket for…..(I paused briefly) ……Washington D.C.?” I heard myself change the destination of my trip from New Jersey to DC. Finally. I stopped lying to myself and faced head on the truth we both are trying to avoid. The good weather and the company of my friends would do me good. After all those people are the very people who have been telling me it won’t work, I need to toast a drink to their perfect foretelling and my premonition that I have been having for the past month, it was over, as it was told and seen before time.